Don’t they make it look so sexy and loving… something that adds to the moment…?
Walking home from Jr. High School, or at the drive in as a teenager; I smoked a few cigarettes. They started out wild and forbidden but always turned me green before I threw-up. I remember hanging my clothes outside on the clothes line after going to punk rock shows during the 70s and 80s. I hated the smell of cigarettes, goating anyone I knew that smoked. I became anal about it. The tobacco industry is a death corporation of the highest degree; knowing this country is founded on the tobacco industry, thoroughly disgusted me. Then about 5 years ago I flipped my position on this. My mom came down with lung cancer. She was not a smoker.
One evening while walking around the neighborhood I saw a pack of Marlboro cigarettes. The pack was near a neighbor’s home that had a sound studio in the back of their garage. I knew it must have been theirs. Part of my religiosity is to practice the medicine wheel. Native American Indians offer tobacco to the north, east, south and west. In regards to my mom, I would start to make such an offering via the tobacco smoke. Symbolizing the smoke travels up to the spiritual realms bringing a response from my medicine allies. I stared my ritual with this pack.
“A prayer for mom,” I thought.
I like how it tasted. It ironically took away the grief, sadness and hopelessness I was feeling. I started to buy more packs. I only smoked in secret and occasionally at a pub, or at a show. It became a secret routine that my kids found out about. They did not like it.
“I will stop when I am ready.” I told them.
They would find a pack and throw it away. I would just buy another.
I had a crush on the experience of cigarettes. I could not get them out of my mind. I would drive around town listening to loud music while smoking cigarettes, and for a time It made me feel bad, nasty and rebellious. I was a wild punk again !!
After mom passed away, I lost my desire for cigarettes. I continued to try different kinds. Nat Sherman Cigarettes were fun to smoke. I missed the craving crush I had for them. Then I started to get sick smoking and I stopped. The crush was gone. I occasionally take one out and smoke it; two puffs are all it takes to make me feel as sick as a dog. I am over my affair with Cigarettes! In all the entire affair lasted about two years.
Some times you got to fight fire with fire…I believe it served some sort of purpose in my life.