Improbably Negative.

Now autumn’s breeze blows summer’s leaves through my life
Twisted and broken dawn, no days with sunlight
The dying spark, you left your mark on me
The promise of your kiss, but with someone else
For the bitterest pill is mine to swallow.

~ The Jam.

The Plague Hospital, Fransisco de Goya

Once I knew only darkness and stillness… my life was without past or future… but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living.

~ Helen Keller

This was my first episode to the underworld initiated by a drug’s side effect.

One followed a few years later. Both times I made it back but not without a will of dynamite… I have become wiser. More resilient to the elements of Pluto and his world. He still mocks me, but I understand now what I went through both times is an ancient one and I was never alone but had to do the work myself. It is all about illumination from the darkness to the light.

The Twilight Zone can be pleasant before sunset when the sky sometimes bursts forth with color which should only be part of our dreams. Shadowy faces from light and shadow play move on trees and in corners of our streets.

Glen told me once if you investigate this type of twilight without focus and expand your vision to include your peripheral vision, a world of nature spirits will open to you. One can do this on stormy cloudy days as today.

Yet the twilight zone story that I am going to share is a focus around a character who almost got caught in this place between light and dark, where escape seemed improbably negative. The experience lasted a year.  

After a negative reaction to a drug the woman seemed agitated and unable to lie down. She got up and tried to take a shower in her hospital room. Then the thought of running and jumping out the window seemed the logical thing to do. They stopped and sedated her. She was only in the hospital for a normal hospital colonoscopy.

On the couch at home lights moved through her body, she experienced an electrical storm shooting up and down her spine. Anxiety crept up around her as a succubus that never left her side; He stretched out a large woven black sheet above her. It rested above the trees and over her life. Always waiting for something to come… she felt the twilight zone ever-present.  

“She said to the nurse on the phone,

“Nurse I am so anxious; I think I will lose my mind.”  

“Take deep breaths. A powerful drug has been released into your body.”  

The battle for her mind began; throwing away all prescription drugs from stupid doctors: that made her feel crazy and in the toilet they went. She walked, took homeopathic remedies, herbs and waited for the opaque Madonna to make her first attack.   She said to herself, “Will I ever feel normal again?”   Her will alone brought her back slowly.  

The dark illuminating entity that mocked her unfeeling steps was slowly replaced by light. In her dark mind a knowing grasped her that was just the opposite of a gamma-ray explosion; for it was the core of a cold etching, calculating, scientific, and faithless mind.  

Though she could not focus on watching TV for weeks, she slowly began to watch sitcoms. The humor, family problems and stupid antics of Tim Taylor from the series Home Improvement chased the boogie man away. Friendly books off dusty shelves and talking her walks in nature also helped her out of the dark twilight zone.


Youngest son at 14.