Out of my mind on a Saturday night, Nineteen Eighty Four rolling in sight. Radio Bird Man, up above, Beautiful baby, save our love. All night killer, blown away, All night killer, blown away. I feel alright, I fell alright, Feeling alright. Save your baby, burn my heart, Save your baby, burn my heart. Fall apart now baby, fall apart. Save your baby, burn my heart. Out of my mind on a Saturday night, Nineteen Eighty Four rolling in sight. Radio Bird Man, up above, Beautiful baby, save our love
Waiting for sentinel lymph node biopsy with lymphoscintigraphy surgery is like being in purgatory. Two weeks of not knowing if there is nothing to be concerned about or on to the next stage of removing cancer. It is a time of waiting and not knowing that can get on one’s nerves.
Yet isn’t this a small motif of our lives, of the overall variables and possibilities of living from day to day?
Where we come from and where we are going is the larger question, yet it is a constant in our lives. We have to trust that the earth will turn, and the sun will rise and so forth.
Knowing this is very comforting to me.
Waiting for surgery is a small motif of waiting for death. It will come someday but we just don’t know when. So, I will live my waiting like I live my life. Trusting the mystery of life, trusting my surgery and hopeful that all will be alright, feeling alright!
It is intense at times; at times all of my breath leaves me. A thread of darkness comes forth to taunt me. Depression or grieving is like that. It does not last long and as William Blake might have said,
“I look for the angels in my life to brighten my day.” One day at a time.
So, I go wondering and look to the wisdom of my Jungian Red Book and Black Books. They cross reference well.
“You know that the name one bears means a lot. You also know that one often gives the sick new names to heal them. Your name is your essence.”
Page 282. (Liber Secundus.)
The Healing of Izdubar by Carl Jung from his Red Book
“The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you deserted or name your land desolate.”
~ Isaiah 62:1
Both of the above quotes come from a narrative from both Carl Jung’s Red Book & Black Book Vol. 3.
It is about the sun god Izdubar.
It is about an egg, fire and being healed.
It is from Jung’s psyche that leads me on an interesting journey about something to do with my skin cancer.
So, I am guided back to religious text and ancient narratives that may help me endure what I am going through right now. A new name? A healing name? My animus?
“…from the depths to the heights-hovering around myself amidst fiery glowing clouds-as raining embers beating down like the foam of the surf, engulfing myself in stifling heat- suddenly, once again, blazing up glowing white-embracing and rejecting myself in an enormous game.
Where was I? –
I was completely sun.”
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Jung, Black Book Vol. 3