Tag Archives: spirituality

You risk tears

You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed.

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Dad was not an easy person to deal with. I was told so by many a nurse. One nurse complained that we brought him a man with the DTs. We were yelled at and dad was sedated. 


Uncle Royal, Mom, Dad with the cigarette and his sister Louise. 1942


This may not be the kind of story you want to be reading on Veterans day. Yet it is the truth. I don’t like war or the war machine or military hackers, economic hit men, or bombs of any kind! I know that the history of humanity is a bloody one. I often wonder, astronomically, what kind of stellar rays the earth projects out into our solar system? Power, peace, sex, and equality: rich, poor, inclusive, or exclusive, are all qualities of our dualistic life. Love abides!  Then there are the simple stories of simple people and their alcoholic purple heart WWII veteran dads.  This is one that is funny as well as disheartening.

“The desert is a symbol, Turning it green is about much more than agriculture.” Chapter 13, pg. 129, Confessions of an Economic Hit Man -John Perkins

Mom was already signed up for Kaiser Permanente. Dad was with the VA. Seemed all was taken care of as they moved into their twilight years. As we age our bodies start to break down and when mom and dad hit their 90s it was unavoidable.  Dad stopped watering the garden and brushing the pool. In his 80s he still golfed and did walk the full course. Amazing you say? Well he also powered down lots of booze too? He told many a good story drunk as well. Then there was always the meanness of his personality. The pendulum swung. It swung back and forth. They never knew but I knew, like the sun rising and setting, I would have to unfortunately deal with his nastiness. We all endured his abuse in my family.

We all speculated on the facts that dad learned or acquired this behavior because of his service in the military as a Captain pilot of the Army Air Force during WWII. Dad’s B-52 was shot down the same day as Saint Exupery plane, July 31, 1944. {Exupery authored the book The Little Prince.} Exupery’s mysteriously disappeared but dad survived off the island of New Guinea with a broken back.

As a child we celebrated this day with a cake. My mom was very creative and designed a little B-25 plane crashed on the Island of New Guinea. I helped make up the blue dye frosting for the cake one year. So, we justified his alcoholism. That is what I learned.

Years later when dad started to show signs of dementia I advised mom to sign him up with Kaiser Permanente. A nice representative went to their house and got dad all taken care of. It was not much longer that Kaiser stepped in to help him. He was sick. Dad’s dementia got worse. We thought it was Alzheimer’s. His doctor told us he fried his brain drinking to much booze. I was not surprised but mom was. The whole family except for me were in denial about this.

Now for the funny part of the story.  My siblings were going to change the world and my dad too. Sister and one of the brothers told me this,

“Kaiser is not doing the best for dad. It is a terrible place and we need to get him better help!”

This was only a month after mother’s death. Kaiser helped her transition and gracefully so. What they told me angered me because I knew that Kaiser helped both of our parents. I was there to witness it at the time.  Once the big boy and sister siblings kicked in I was pushed aside for their brilliance. Most of them lived out-of-town and only came to visit a few times a year. This is how you are treated when you are the youngest in my family. I am the only one to still live where I grew up!

Now for another funny part of the story.

One of the second oldest brothers glorified the VA. There were two hospitals near dad. The VA hospital near Westwood and the one out in Northridge. Neither wanted to help. Yet there was a retirement adult care facility out in Northridge. This is where brother with glory glory told me how wonderful this VA hospital was. Brother spoke the words of the angels. He described the cleanliness of the place. The courtesies and how St. Peter of the golden gate stood to greet him.

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I went there with my nearest brother sibling. We interviewed with the adult day care coordinator. As I walked into the facility I was impressed. The live sound of a grand piano, the ruffle of a newspaper and friendly smiles as I walked by were warmly inviting. In her office the coordinator asked the questions. She wanted to know about my dad. My sibling was not honest. I tried to explain to this lady who my dad really was and how he behaved. I knew that dad was not the right person for this lovely holy holy VA place. I also advised my siblings the mistake they were making. Adjoined to this lovely adult day care was a medical facility. I reflected to myself that would be the best place for dad.

Siblings took dad there. He only lasted 15 minutes and was kicked out. He argued with the coordinator and pushed her.

“Having foresight is a terrible thing when nobody’s listening !!”

The VA was not there for my dad in his most vulnerable stage of his life. They could not handle his illness. Alcoholism and meanness is unacceptable! Back to Kaiser they went with their tail between their legs!! Kaiser treated dad with respect and showed him difficult dignity.

I never received a we are sorry or an apology for their failed effort. Holy holy VA Hospital symbolically burned to the ground and was never mentioned again.  I know that oldest brother always expected me to take over and take care of dad. I declined the offer. Oldest brother treated me like dirt too. With a husband and two kids to care for. I would have gone insane taking care of my dad too. He was very abusive.

I remember before his demise, dad did turn down home health aides because they were ugly or too fat. They were not up to his standards of a dame. I suggested that they put him in a nursing facility.  He would be happy there. A good facility would keep him sedated.

“NO,” they said.

We did the best we could for dad. I know we all loved him. One of my siblings had nowhere to live, had no family to care for or property or job. He did not have a car, nor did he drive. He moved in with dad at the family home and became a saint. Luckily, I drove and was there if they needed a drive. And so, the story goes…

Under his care dad ran away a couple of times. One time he hitched a ride to the coast over 30 miles away. He had no memory of us anymore. The police picked him up at a bar off the Pacific Coast Hwy. He smelled the drenched smell of hard alcohol! He was fresh with the lady police officer who was polite to him… regardless!


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A Honorable friend…

“The old generation is going. What will the new bring us? What shall we ourselves contribute? <…> Destiny says to us: “Show what is in thee! Now is the moment, now is the hour, else fall back into nothingness! It is thy turn! Give the world thy measure, say thy word, reveal thy nullity or thy capacity. Come forth from the shade! It is no longer a question of promising, thou must perform. The time of apprenticeship is over. Servant, show us what thou hast done with thy talent. Speak now, or be silent forever.”
-Henri-Frédéric Amiel, Amiel’s Journal

“I feel as I were disintegrating and “growing up”, whatever that means, simultaneously.”
-James Agee, Letters of James Agee to Father Flye

contradictory

“But you’ve got the beauty and strength of love on your side. And if we can find our sense of humor too…why, these are the weapons of the angels.” ~ A Summer Place (1959)

I raised my kids on old school punk rock. That is not the only music playing but it had the noticeable charm that was part of my life and  theirs. Very good character building.

Years after their attack on the punk rock world the Misfits first album was played in our car when the kids were young. I purchased the CD at Wal-Mart.  They laughed and danced to the humor and wildness of this original punk music. I told them my adventures with the band. I told my kids about a barefoot Glenn Danzig who was not much taller than my oldest son at 13. Maybe the thought of their long bangs hanging in their faces or their sense of humor is what made mean love the band so much back in the 1980s… The Misfits are a big wig band now. I remember when they were youths and fun as hell to be with.

My youngest refers to me as “Mommy!” His voice is deep enough now, at 16  to echo Glenn’s voice from the song, “Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight?” The Walk Among Us album is my all-time favorite Halloween punk album… ever.

Maybe it is in bad taste to think about this song. The violence and shooting in Las Vegas is not something to belittle in any way. Humor is something contradictory to the grief and horror we share now. The early punk scene had a whole lot of humor mixed in with the bad stuff.

President Donald J. Trump Proclaims October 15 through October 21, 2017, as National Character Counts Week

This is different to the soullessness of our current President. He has the character of a consuming black hole. It seems ironical that he could even think of this month as a time of National Character.  I guess one can have anti-character. As the anti-man or doppelgänger.  The only character Trump has is the mockingly strange lies that fly around him.

The only good quality that bounces off him, what I find about the anti-man is that he makes me laugh. Maybe there is a thread in his tiny soul that we can pull on. Maybe his poor soul is in bondage to his big ego? Somehow we can tie his little meek soul to some astro zombies and pull it out of him?

There is a contradictory tweet for almost every occasion. ~

Alex Hindman, Fortune, “The Roots of Trump’s Hypocrisy,” 29 Aug. 2017

 


 


Autumn Magic poem four

A prayer to the Elohim ...
help us in these
whirlwinds of water
and fires of destruction. 

too much steam...

How to prune the masses
A man who is a doodlebanger
Causing chaos, discord, and division.

Racist and hypocrite...

Send you peace of heart and mind....
hopefully good people will become
The powerful and not the defeated.

Magic come to console and make
A sword of justice of
nobility and goodwill.

Make us whole dear diplomatic Elohim.

 

 

Image

Symbols are interesting

AZOTH

 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. ~ genesis.

6th woodcut from the series in Basil Valentine’s Azoth

 

An unrecognized alien

I have not done this for a while. To randomly pick a book and open the page and read a paragraph. It is a type of trance effort. Some of the worst and best loved characters that I have read or studied live in a kind of trance world.   A place of myth, magic and raised consciousness.  William Blake, Carl Jung and the pitiful creature known as Adolf Hitler. I am studying Hitler’s biography now. I was amazed how his and their lives moved in the same worlds.

William Blake “Pity”

Blake is a marvelous visionary and artist. He inspires humanity to think and brings beauty in reach of our grasp. Jung heals humanity with his depth psychology. Hitler inverts compassion and goodness. He shows us what the worst part of human nature is. They all use their unique wills to inspire or destroy. Blake and Jung show us that humanity is a wondrous reality. They have dived into their unconscious, and show us luminous stars and a good conscience.  We find our history and our future with inspired foresight; what it is to do good for humanity. Blake keeps the best and the worst at bay while focusing his will to ascend to transcendence. Hitler did this too.  To understand him, his world, one becomes aware of a trance of darkness; he is a mythologist of national German superhuman qualities…of what it is to be demonically insane!  He is without a touch of human soul or spirit! No sparks make him human. Hitler is the trance of a monster! How can anyone in their right mind address such a hideous freak as him with a salute?

Mozart Magic Flute `Karl Friedrich Schinkel

The place of science, math and technology works in our modern age.  The worlds of Blake, Jung and Hitler are different. One cannot superimpose our current world upon theirs. Which leads me to the randomly picked book and paragraph today.

“It is one of the wonders of human existence that a person can live a long and happy life without once becoming aware of the reality of consciousness and its ability to transcend the immediate physical level. At the instant of death, will time suspend its rule long enough for such people to realize what they missed?”

~ Pg. 153 Jacques Vallee, Confrontations; A scientist’s Search for Alien Contact.

I love Vallee. He is the scientist that places himself in the world of myth, magic and raised consciousness! He does not ignore art or music either. He rings the heart of a compassion that wants to know. He transcends a nationalist myth blending with Blake’s “universal humanity,” or Jung’s “collective unconscious.”

“In his late works, he embodied these and other ills in the nightmare ridden figure of the cosmic giant Albion, or universal humanity, who has fallen in to deadly sleep of mundane existence. In humanity’s coma, the divine is a remote and forbidding sky-god: nature a sterile heap of atoms, lovers and family members, enemies; and one’s own innermost being, an unrecognized alien.”

~Blake’s Poetry & Designs ` A Norton Critical Edition.

 

 

The traitorous Monostatos appears with the Queen of the Night and her three ladies. They plot to destroy the temple (“Nur stille, stille“) and the Queen confirms that she has promised her daughter Pamina to Monostatos. But before the conspirators can enter the temple, they are magically cast out into eternal night.

 

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/trance/

August: Spear of Destiny and beyond…

 

“…unless human beings could live at peace with one another…”

“In Goethe’s world conception, which is of a magical nature, both man’s spiritual and physical existence is related to the whole Universe of Stars, Sun and Planets. Just as man is not limited to his physical body, which Goethe conceived as the garment of both soul and spirit, the stars are not considered as simply meaningless massed formed in a three-dimensional space time continuum. Rather , Goethe regarded the heavenly orbs as the outer physical expression of Spiritual Beings, higher nonhuman Intelligences, which radiate spiritual and qualitative forces with their operative orbits. ~Pg. 162-3 The Spear of Destiny  by Trevor Ravenscroft


I hate August. I am whispering, in case she is listening. It is the heat, humidity and trials that come along. This month we have retrogrades, a moon and a sun making a big deal about their place in the heavens. I get it. It is a lovely galactic symphony. So, come the trials. Some are big and some very subtle and diabolically a pain in the ass. I try to keep sensible and logical, which I learned from my oldest son. It is hard to sometimes be logical and I turn to my passions.

So, the books start to come. I show a little interest in something from my past and the books will come. These are two of them another in on the way.  Not my doing it is my darn husband. He has a statistical and chess mind. He thinks that by getting me these books that interest me, he can buy more chess books. So be it. I guess those Rosy stories have been whispering in my ear as of late.

As I said, it is that time of the year when chaos can be a good thing. From the cracks in the universe we find special gifts like pearls. I shall go with the flow now… so have a good August… stay hopeful. Hopeful for months to come.


Pearl image I created years ago after reading  The Chemical Wedding of Christian Rosenkreuz…. 



“And while holding the talisman of power in his hands he told his Aides that mankind was standing on the brink of the most evil epoch in the entire history of the Planet. His young subordinates did not know about the Atom Bomb which was a most closely guarded a secret at this time. They asked themselves what could be more evil than the Concentration Camps of Adolf Hitler’s defeated regime, and they wondered if their General had finally gone of his head. General Patton lift the bunker beneath Nuremberg Fortress in a sombre mood.

Doom was written across the future of humanity unless human beings could live at peace with one another, and Patton could see in all clarity the danger of the new confrontation between America and Russia…Soldiers from the Third Division were standing guard outside the massive steel doors of the bunker in the Oberen Schmied Gasse when American aircraft unleashed the first atom bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The atomic age had begun.”

Pg. 350 The Spear Of Destiny by Threvor Ravenscroft



To my lullaby surrender
Warm and tender is my breast
Mother’s arms with love caressing
Lay their blessing on your rest
Nothing shall tonight alarm you
None shall harm you, have no fear
Lie contented, calmly slumber
On your mother’s breast, my dear

Here tonight I tightly hold you
And enfold you while you sleep
Why, I wonder, are you smiling
Smiling in your slumber deep?
Are the angels on you smiling
And beguiling you with charm
While you also smile, my blossom
In my bosom soft and warm?

Have no fear now, leaves are knocking
Gently knocking at our door
Have no fear now, waves are beating
Gently beating on the shore
Sleep, my darling, none shall harm you
Nor alarm you, never cry
In my bosom sweetly smiling
And beguiling those on high

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/symphony/

 

Great Grandfather..

My great-grandfather left me a little gift. While looking for birth certificates and my marriage license, I came upon a little book. Cappen Jan Jake; A Cornish Tale. My mom did not share much information about her family. In her last years she did seem to show interest in finding out more about her family. Today a little book that my great-grandfather wrote and published found me again. An extraordinary experience for me.

I went on Ancestory.com and added William Howard Watson to my family tree. The little green leaves are multiplying glory glory. I am happy to know that my great-grandfather was a writer, curious and printed these little story books. I think we would have got along very well.

My next publishing venture is to republish his little book. I have all I need to do this. It is a perfect little book and it is how I would have done it too. Just perfect. I am delighted as can be.

Great-grandfather was born Aug. 9 1849 , St. Osyth Middlesex England.

The mysterious distance….

(Update it seems a lighting strike came through my soul and we went to San Francisco the end of May 2017… my joy overflowed… )

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Catalogue 65, William Blake, “Always In Paradise ~ John Windle Antiquarian Bookseller

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Proof Sheet The Trianon Press

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 Trianon Press Facsimiles and I… 

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Original post below…

“to give relief or deliverance to for a time…”

“the soul waits….”

Melancholy William Blake Date: 1816 – 1820 Style: Symbolism Series: Illustrations to John Milton – L`Allegro and Il Penseroso Genre: religious painting

I thought we would be driving up to San Francisco to see some of William Blake’s art at The William Blake Gallery located at the John Windle Antiquarian Bookseller. My pilgrimage to see Blake’s work has taken a big reprieve.  Time to rethink this again.

Planning a journey to the United Kingdom, in a few years, might be the best way to see his work. A well planned out journey can be done. Giving us plenty of time to research museums and places to stay in the U.K.  I will start a Blake fund/budget.  Setting goals, reading and planning are wonderful ways to take on a reprieve from my need to see his real authentic work .

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Besides today is a cloudy cool day in May. My kind of weather. Almost as if San Francisco has come to us, this weekend, instead of us going to San Francisco.

Melancholy is a type of reprieve or realization. Time is given to focus within ourselves. Where we can be participating with our imagination  and become creatively involved. That is, if we engage our Sun and Neptune in the right way, astrologically speaking of course.

Something within is stirring. I don’t know what is going to happen? I can wait and see what the future will bring. It is a good bright hope that will be born from an inward reprieve.

William Blake Gallery

http://www.johnwindle.com/shop/windle/WilliamBlakeGallery.html?id=xmZgSBWw

PLaces in europe and the united kingdom to see Blake’s work.

https://theculturetrip.com/europe/united-kingdom/articles/the-best-places-to-see-william-blake-s-art/

Interesting past exhibition on Blake and who he influenced.

http://www.blockmuseum.northwestern.edu/view/exhibitions/upcoming-exhibitions/william-blake-in-the-age-of-aquarius.html

I am not a U2 fan but they always come up in regards to William Blake’s work… I do not judge…

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/reprieve/

The Seminary of Praying Mantis Promtion

Happy May Day !!

A Grace for your pleasure, she is one of three that inspires the Muses of the arts…

Euphrosyne
The nakedness of woman is the work of God.

~William Blake